Nothing could be finer...

The people of the city of Regina in Canada are revolting... wait, that's not news. Oh, yeah... they say they are sick and tired of people making smutty jokes about the city's name. Thousands of them have signed a petition lobbying the Saskatchewan provinical government to change the name. Number one on the list of suggestions for a new name for Regina... RULVA.

In a further development on this story, the Mayor of Beavertown, Pennsylvania told the Canadians "If you don't want Regina, we'll have it!"

Is Todd McKenney Mr "G"?

Todd McKenney from “Dancing With The Stars” failed to show up in a Sydney court today to answer drug charges that follow from an incident a couple of weeks ago. You may remember he was found unconscious in a Sydney park with a vial of the drug GHB, also known as "G" or “fantasy”, in his pocket.

His defence lawyer says Todd had been at a party where he believes his drink must have been spiked and the drugs were planted on him.

And the name of the drug again…? Fantasy.

BOOZE, CIGS UP!

Did you catch the Federal Budget this week? (SOUND OF UNDERWHELMED AUDIENCE) They're going to increase the tax on those pre-mixed drinks where the taste of the alcohol is covered up with lots of sugary flavouring - they say it encourages teenagers to start drinking at a younger and younger age. Apparently a lot of kids now go straight from Coco Pops to alcopops.

I used to think an alcopop was Grandpa after a long Christmas lunch.

Another Britney rear-ender

Britney Spears is in trouble again. (AUDIENCE GROANS) Gossip websites have pictures and even video of her running her car into the back of a red Ford Explorer on Sunset Boulevard yesterday. Britney was driving a white Mercedes SL coupé, which is actually a bit surprising. Usually when she hits the streets of LA it’s her Volvo that makes the news.

Shock and awe

Jenna Bush, daughter of US President George W. Bush, got married over the weekend in a ceremony held right there on the family ranch in Crawford, Texas. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS). Yeah, congratulations to Jenna and her new husband, Henry Hager.

It has to be tough being the President's son-in-law, but so far they seem to be getting along just fine. In fact, after the ceremony Dubya told Henry to make himself at home and have a real good poke around the Bush spread. (AUDIENCE GASPS... HOST FEIGNS INNOCENCE)

Did you hear about the honeymoon? I guess President Bush meant well but to me this was kind of creepy... he arranged for the happy couple to spend their wedding night on a US Navy aircraft carrier, and then he showed up for a press conference the next morning. Go ahead, let's roll that footage...

Forward pocket?

Did you watch the big AFL Tribute game on Saturday night? There were 70,000 people at the MCG to watch Victoria beat the Dream Team. Last time that many people saw the Big V in action was when Britney Spears got out of a limo.

Nude teacher has no class

I guess you heard about this during the week... a Sydney primary school teacher has been suspended after doing a nude photo shoot.

I don't know about you, but when I was at primary school I never saw anything like that during "show and tell".

My teacher used to give us an elephant stamp or maybe a gold star when we'd done good work. This lady...? Good work earns the kids a gold tassle; for exceptional work, I understand you get an elephant tattoo.

To be fair, in her defence the teacher says she only had the school's best interests at heart when she did the photo shoot - she was trying to get more fathers to show up to parent-teacher night. In fact, some Dads are now asking whether they can have a parent-teacher weekend.

Filth on the internet

Did you see this in the news this week? Microbiologists in London took swabs from 33 computer keyboards in a typical office and found some of them grew more E. coli bacteria than a toilet seat. I guess that’s why my wife is always yelling at me to leave the keyboard down when I’m finished. (BOOM BOOM)

No, seriously, they're blaming the findings on poor personal hygiene among office workers … and now they’re strongly recommending that you wash your hands after reading those dirty emails.

In an intriguing twist to this story, the scientists are still trying to explain how the genital herpes virus came to be on the glass of the office photocopier.

Lesbians battle in Greek court. (Can I watch?)

Authorities from the island of Lesbos have filed a law suit in a Greek court demanding that gay women stop using the word “lesbian”.

Gay rights advocates are worried that if the case succeeds, it could lead to a whole range of other legal action…

Already the Dutch are threatening to take similar action to protect the word “dyke”.

The Hush Puppies company is claiming “comfortable shoes” is a trade mark.

And the YWCA will be insisting that gay women dine elsewhere.

We've all blamed the dog, but...

In France, a woman has been jailed for cutting off her partner’s penis while he was unconscious and then telling the emergency operator that her dog had bitten it off and eaten it.

Police became suspicious when they asked her what breed of dog it was, and she told them it was a cross between a Doberman Pinscher and a Poodle – in other words, a Doodle Pinscher.

Next she told them it was a Bull Mastiff, but they told her it was just plain bull.

Despite an extensive search of her backyard, police never recovered the severed organ, but they did find a dozen tennis balls and a kilo of chop bones.

IPL cheerleaders hit for six!

Hey, have you been watching the Indian Premier League cricket? (SOUND OF CRICKETS, NOT CRICKET)

Oh well, you may not have caught up with this... the Washington Redskins NFL cheerleaders, who were flown into India to help warm up the quiet and reserved Indian fans (PAUSE WHILE AUDIENCE GETS THE INTENDED SARCASM), have been banned from some stadiums after people complained about their revealing outfits and provocative dancing.

Apparently they don't like too much 36-24-36 with their 20-20.

The fans said: "Put it away girls, we'd rather check out Warnie's flipper... or Murali's doosra..."

Luckily the IPL people had a replacement cheerleading group ready to fly in...

Taxi drivers protest

Angry Indian taxi drivers blocked the major Melbourne intersection at Flinders and Swanston Streets this morning protesting about driver safety after one of their colleagues was stabbed early Monday morning. Transport Minister Lynn Kosky eventually offered to meet with the drivers at Parliament House, but they showed up late... seems they got lost and had to ask a passing pedestrian for directions.

I smell trouble for WA Opposition Leader

Shocking news today out of Perth… did you hear about this? (AUDIENCE TITTERS NERVOUSLY) West Australian Opposition Leader Troy Buswell has admitted that he sniffed the chair that a female Liberal Party staffer had just been sitting on in his office. (PAUSE FOR SHOCKED/OUTRAGED "OOOOH") He hasn’t resigned yet, but if he does he’ll definitely be in demand as an expert commentator on future election night broadcasts. Well just imagine this - Laurie Oakes or Kerry O’Brien throws to Mr Buswell for his opinion: “Troy – what do you think?”

(SNIFF, SNIFF) “Hmm, that seat’s too close to call.”
(SNIFF, SNIFF) “I’m giving that one to the sitting member.”
(SNIFF, SNIFF) “I’m picking up strong Green preferences in that seat.”

Logies week / 2020 Summit

Hey, it’s Logies week – are you excited about the Logies this Sunday? (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, WHOOPS AND WHISTLES) Yeah. A Logie – that’s the name for what you get when the Australian television industry clears its throat. (SCREW UP FACE AND GRAB SIDE / DRUM & BASS STING)

You’ve probably heard that the name “Logie” comes from the middle name of television pioneer John Logie Baird. Just what is a TV pioneer, anyway? I looked into this – apparently, back in the day, John Logie Baird loaded a bunch of black & white sets into a covered wagon and headed west into the great unknown… He wound up opening the first Harvey Norman in Parramatta.

Imagine if they named other awards after the middle names of famous people. You’d have the Milhous Awards, after Richard Milhous Nixon, for outstanding achievement in lying by a US President – Bill Clinton was a three-time winner in the 90s. And then there's the Rodham Awards, after Hillary Rodham Clinton, for being lied to by a US President.

Officially they’re the TV Week Logie Awards… In case you were wondering, that’s “week” with a double E. (PAUSE FOR UNEASY LAUGH, A FEW HISSES) No, no, that’s not fair. In fact, the list of past nominees for the big one – the Gold Logie – includes the greats of Australian TV… like Simmone Jade Mackinnon, Rachael Carpani, Ada Nicodemou, Bridie Carter, Lisa Chappell, Libby Tanner and Dieter Brummer. That’s your household names right there.

Say what you like about the Logies, but it is Australian TV’s night of nights. Everyone who’s anyone will be there at Crown – in fact, they’re expecting almost as many famous actors and rock stars as there were at the 2020 Summit.

Seriously, that 2020 Summit was so star-studded they flew Joan Rivers to Canberra to do the red carpet arrivals. Did you see her? (IMITATES JOAN RIVERS SHOUTING) “Kevin… Kevin… who are you wearing?” “Peter Garrett, who did your hair?”

And how about those 2020 red carpet fashions? (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) Cate Blanchett was wearing Armani, Hugh Jackman was wearing Calvin Klein and the PM’s wife Therese Rein was dressed by Silver’s Circus.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Back after this break.